“Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape”
Jaclyn Friedman & Jessica Valenti
2008 Seal Press
Easily the best book I’ve read this year, if not ever. Yes Means Yes! is an anthology of essays from women and trans folks (and a few men) of all backgrounds, white, black, Latina, Asian, poor, affluent, queer, hetero, sex workers, dominatrices, bloggers, organizers, educators, artists, and survivors, all answering the question, “How can we create a world without rape?”
This book more than any other opened my eyes to the central importance of female sexual power to movement for progressive social change. Through dissecting sexual assault and “rape culture” from ALL angles, the writers articulate that the objectification and control of female bodies is literally the cornerstone of patriarchal society. Therefore efforts to reclaim female body sovereignty and sexual power are at the forefront of revolutionary change.
This book does not just offer women tips on how to avoid sexual assault (although it does encourage self-defense classes!), it courageously directs blame at the male-dominated society that puts women in dangerous situations on a daily basis. Similarly, as should be obvious from the title, this work is not just about teaching men to respect “No”, but showing women (all people really) how to love their bodies and embrace their sexuality, in whatever way it manifests. Enthusiastic consent, responding to “Yes!” and cautious “Maybes”, and taking things one step at a time without assumptions or feelings of entitlement to orgasm, while respecting the ability of a sexual partner to say “Stop.” at any moment, shows a way to the best and most liberatory sex imaginable.
But the book covers so much more than consent. This is a feminist handbook for the masses: well-written, varied, practical, theoretical, yet accessible.
It’s hard to pick a favorite essay, but the one that spoke to me the most was “Killing Misogyny: A Personal Story of Love, Violence, and Strategies for Survival” by Cristina Meztli Tzintún, a personal story about overcoming abusive and controlling male partners. Cristina relates how she got involved with a “radical, feminist” man of color and bonded through activism. Before she knew it she was years into an abusive relationship that gave her STDs and an inability to leave him, despite his cheating on her with his students, half his age. The pattern mirrored her parents’ disastrous marriage, which made it even more depressing that she could not break free of the cycle of abuse.
While it’s easy to demonize her partner, Alan, a more honest reading will recognize some of his patterns in each of us who have been male-socialized. For example, entitlement to women’s bodies and lack of consideration for the emotional damage wrought by selfish actions are things I know I have to struggle against. Cristina’s bravery in leaving Alan and demanding accountability for his assaults should encourage all of us, that misogyny can in fact be beaten and that personal transformation is an incredibly political act.
I can’t recommend this collection highly enough. Everyone needs to read this book.
6 comments
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May 24, 2009 at 3:06 am
killingdenouement
alex you might find klaus theweleit’s ‘male fantasies’ interesting re: fascism and female sexual power – there’s two volumes but definitely try find the first, ‘women floods, bodies, history’. I haven’t read the second one ‘psychoanalysing the white terror’ but I suspect it might also be incredible.
May 24, 2009 at 3:19 pm
endofcapitalism
thanks for the tip!
alex
May 30, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Stuart Sesuande
I just stumbled upon this website and I’m glad I did. I’ve been thinking about the nature of capitalism ever since I got fired from a job as a property manager of a low-income housing site. That’s when I learned how threatening it is to this capitalistic system for a person to advocate for others who don’t have a lot of education, or money.
However, my comment pertains to the review of the book, Yes Means Yes!, which I have not read, but I am going to, and I mean with the quickness.
All I want to say is that it is only we men who can put an end to this misogyny thing. That’s it. Period. End of story. This stinking, cowardly, brutal, inhuman violence, this self-destructive abuse of girls’ and women’s’ sexuality and the commoditization of it, this deliberate economical disenfranchisement of the female species, is (in my opinion) nothing but the result of men wielding too much power for too damn long. We’ve forgotten what is the difference between right and wrong.
Those of us men who agree with this, wholly or in part, need to step up to the plate and be the men I truly suspect we’re fearful of being, because of the soul-strangling demands of living up to the macho ethic we’ve created as a consequence of being killers and murderers from the stroke of twelve o’clock at night to the glare of blazing noon, willful, methodical, and often with the insane gleefulness of sadists. What do I mean by “stepping up to the plate”? Well, I’ll tell you what I mean.
I mean that when we are in the presence of other men who speak or behave in a disrespectful or violent manner around girls and women, we put a stop to it, politely, if possible, but if not, then we thrown down the gauntlet. That’s right. You heard me. This is what used to be called ‘chivalry’. When your male friend, partner, bud, buddy, homey, ace-boon-coon, or whatever, expresses his displeasure with his girlfriend or wife in violently misogynistic terms such as, “That fuckin’ bitch. I’m gonna kick her fuckin’ ass all around the goddamn block!”, then you could say something like, “You know, man, I think I could understand why you’re so angry at her, but, me personally, I just don’t like speaking about women in that way”.
A truly righteous man’s simple, heartfelt, and respectfully delivered objection to violently misogynistic speech directed at the female species from other males, can calm those males down and persuade them to at least look at things less emotionally. After all, that’s the way we like to think of ourselves, isn’t it? As rational, objective, and less spontaneously emotional beings? It works (and I personally have done it many, many times) because of two main reasons: men are not expecting to hear that kind of talk from another man, and they already know that what they’re spewing – and the way they are spewing it – is wrong. They know it, they know it, they know it, but, like spoiled little boys, they’re just waiting for a firm, resolute and responsible man to come along and “activate” that knowledge and turn it into morally correct action. Don’t preach. Just act.
Occasionally, we will meet up with men whose problems with women agitate them so severely that a righteous man’s attempt to tidy up his mouth and his mind may cause a physical confrontation. In that case, use your head, and size up the situation. How immediate is the threat of harm to the girl, or woman? Does the man appear to be under the influence of alcohol, or drugs? Assess these factors…and do something about them. Do whatever will diminish, or remove the threat of harm to that girl, or woman. Do what your sense of right and wrong compels you to do. Because if we don’t, you can be certain that harm – or death — will come to them. Of course, if that’s what happens because of our inaction, we can always talk ourselves out of our responsibility to do the right thing by saying things like, “Why should I risk my life, they mean nothing to me, I’ve got my own problems to worry about”, blah, blah, blah. That kind of non-action also is very effective. Yes, very effective, indeed.
You may experience hesitation, and you may experience fear when you contemplate altering so drastically and intimately your relationship, your bond, with a male friend. All I can tell you is, use your moral outrage like a tool, only when it’s suitable to the job at hand, but use it! Dr. Martin Luther King said, “A man who hasn’t found something he is willing to die for is not fit to live.” Well, folks, I believe that, I accept it, and I am going act on that until my last day on this planet Earth. In fact, I wouldn’t know how to live without daily testing out my willingness to act in what I believe is a spiritually righteous and morally correct way. That’s the way I am.
I often wonder — deeply and sometimes incredulously — how women can continue to summon the energy necessary to continue affirming their right to exist in God’s vast universe while burdened with the unyielding, condescending, oppressive weight of species hatred and its violent manifestation in their lives. Is it because they know that love is the only truly human “strength”? And is that why so many men treat women so miserably, because once a man encounters someone truly stronger than himself, he feels has only two real options to consider: to beat them, or to join them?
STUART
May 31, 2009 at 3:22 pm
endofcapitalism
thanks for the well-put comment stuart!
i agree with you that men need to stand up to other men who are displaying misogyny. that’s an important and difficult thing. not because women or trans folks can’t handle themselves, but because we all have a stake in ending male domination.
i really appreciate your words, and i feel very similarly to you, especially about the MLK quote. if i wasn’t engaged in the practice of making this world a better place, why live in it?
if you want to continue the conversation, please email me at activistalex@gmail.com
alex
November 7, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Who Were the Witches? – Patriarchal Terror and the Creation of Capitalism « The End of Capitalism
[…] Creation of Capitalism1. Is This the End of Capitalism?4. What Comes After Capitalism?Alex KnightReview of "Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape" […]
June 7, 2011 at 12:10 pm
Who Were the Witches? « UKIAH BLOG
[…] 7 – for a brilliant collection of insights into the many ways female sexuality is still under attack, see Friedman, Jaclyn & Jessica Valenti. Yes Means Yes! Visions of Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape. Seal Press 2008. My review of this book can also be found here: https://endofcapitalism.com/2009/05/17/review-of-yes-means-yes-visions-of-female-sexual-power-and-a-w… […]